Leg on the Mend!

So today I went to see the Dr about the leg again, it is much better. But I am having a reaction to the Tetanus shot! My whole arm and shoulder is swollen and soooo sore, red and hot! She said I probably wouldn't be getting one of these anytime soon again! I remembered when I was a teenager, way back then, that I got really sick from a tetanus shot. But my leg looked so bad, I figured, it had been a long time ago and I probably was just being a baby. Well, now I remember!! Boy for being fairly healthy, this has been the pitts.
Today, I am going to give spinning a go again. I really want to finish the sock yarn on the Mach 1. I need to give her a name. Names really aren't my thing. Maybe wheel 1 and wheel 2?
Atleast now, we won't have to watch any more politics for a while!! Even though I am very disappointed at the out come, I am grateful for that!
I also need to get my room empty and ready to move. Get the trailer that hubby is staying in cleaned for him this week end, and start packing stuff up. I had an interesting question posted to me today and it made me stop and think. What are you worried about, anxiety over change? I have never really been a person to not roll with the flow. I haven't been controlling, or up tight. So when did this all change? Then it hit me. I got so scared when I couldn't do anything for Jeffery. The whole world changed in a split second for ever. Not just my world, the future of his wife and children, his sister, his dad, mine, everyone who knew him. I now feel scared because I now know, I really don't know what will happen, that I can do anything about it, or what is coming. Now it's not like I didn't know it before! I know who is in control. It is just so easy to say you "know" but then to let him do that! I feel like I am hanging on to something for dear life afraid to let go. I'm not quite sure what it is. It feels like change is my enemy and is very frightening. Now in my mind, I can work thru it, but in my heart and gut, the anxiety is over whelming. I haven't really spent much time trying to work my way thru our loss. I don't think you can, and just getting thru each day is such a exhausting job allot of the time, I feel encouraged to be able to do that. But I guess I also need to get back on track some what to my old self. I have turned off most all feelings except grief, fear and anxiety. But I can put on a happy face! I don't think that is unusual under these types of events, it is very hard to give yourself permission to feel anything else. I also had another mother tell me she got angry when people said they were sorry for her loss. She didn't feel that they understood. She's right. It's a different kind of anger I think. For me it's "why me" " what are you sorry about you have your son" " sorry doesn't even begin to touch it" I could go on and on but you get the point. People are very uncomfortable being around people after they have lost a child, they don't like you to talk about them, how you are feeling and how bad you hurt. They say silly things like "You'll get thru this" or " it'll be okay" "be thankful you have grandchildren" I know they try. Sometimes you just can't say any thing. It's been 2 years for me, and I have stopped crying everyday. I get that hole in my gut several times a day instead of all day. I can get a smile on my face once in a great while when I think of him instead of just tears. I can remind myself I can still enjoy life from time to time. But I hadn't realized I was carrying that fear with me on a daily basis. Thanks Michelle, if you hadn't posed that question, I may not have taken the time to think about it :) So I am going to approach this move as a new adventure. Work harder to have more good days that hard ones, more good thoughts than sad ones, more calm days than anxious ones, and most important, more faith and trust in him that put me here and loved me enough to give his son for me.

Twists and Turns in Life

Well it's been a long month for me, and this will probably be a long post. First my bite, as you all said and I wouldn't listen, see I'm not even giving you a chance to say I told you so, I went to the Dr and it has gotten infected. It had started healing so nicely, but there is one spot where Pennys tooth went in so far, it just wouldn't heal up quick enough and has in fact pretty yucky. So I am on meds and go to see her again tomorrow. It doesn't really hurt, it just looks bad.

For the last month we have had some difficult decisions to make. When we moved here to help our son in his business, we had pretty much lost every thing for our retirement in a business we had of our own. I won't go into great detail, but had been in business a long time. We depended on insurance payments as we were in restoration, after the Cedar fire, we lived in that area of CA. we got overwhelmed with jobs, there came the big hurricane in Florida and all the ins. companies moved down there and stopped making payments to businesses in Ca. Therefore, we did all the work and ended up having to wait for well over a year for payments! Alot they never paid at all! After a hard look at what we wanted and where we were headed, we decided to close. Weren't left with much, but did manage to pay off almost all bills the business had incurred.
We moved to Tucson, love Tuscon, and hubby went back into Commercial truck sales. He had been a Manager for years and is quite good at it. Having always being around the kids and grand kids, when Jeffery called up and asked us to come out to SC to help him, and he was calling his sister to come too, we were excited. So up we went and out to SC. It was great, both kids and all the grand kids were close and we could retire here.

Well Jeffery was killed, Jane turned horrible, we paid to close up our end of his business, can't see the grand kids, Heather my daughter has moved back the Wisconsin and here we sit. Hubby has gone back into the truck business and things have gotten very tight since the economy has taken a dive and actually even before that, here in SC. He has gotten an offer to move to NC and take a position with one of the largest dealers on the east coast, which means lots of inventory,financing ect. He is very good at what he does they even have offered to pay moving expenses which is very helpful. I am just so tired of moving! We had lived in the same place for over 10 years in Ca. and seems like we have been on the move ever since and it is driving me crazy! Before Ca. after the kids left home, we raised thm in Oregon, we sold our home and purchased a 5th wheel and traveled for 10 years. It was great but at the end of the 10 we were both ready to put the roots back down and stay put. Both the kids married and moved to Ca. and we were able to enjoy both of their families. It really was so nice to enjoy them as adults, neither of them were easy to raise! Both were older when they got married, 28 for Jeffery and 31 for Heather. After the business failed, kids scattered, we scattered and that was that.
So now we are faced with another move, guess not always a bad thing. We have been trying to "listen" to what God has in store for us and sometimes I sure wish he would talk louder. We have found a place in NC, with 2 acres, we can take the goats, dogs ect. It has a older mobile home on it we can move to the lower area and I can set it up as a studio. It will be great when all is said and done, but until then I have a tendency to worry, my hubby says, so it is very stressful.. SC hasn't been a very good place for us and I thought I would be looking forward to getting out of here, which I am in a lot of ways, but it feels odd to know I am leaving Jeffery here and that chapter of my life will be over. It is like it is the final act to making me realize he is really gone. At the same time, it is also a new beginning and as far as Jeffery is concerned, I have no choice there.
So, I have very mixed feelings, hubby is up in NC and coming home on week ends till we get everything handled, so I have even more time to worry :(
I will say that having a blog is cheaper than a therapist! Fiber cheaper than pills :) So I know I will be okay, I seem to remember when I was young, I thought life would get easier as I got older. Wrong!

It's Almost Worse

I know 2 years ago this evening, Jeffery was hit by a car and died.It makes it worse, that now ahead of time, I know what happened before it did. This is probably one of the worst night of my life. I so remember the call I got tomorrow morning of what had happened. I don't want to, but I do. I guess now that I have had way too much wine my hope is , I have had too much to drink to remember, I haven't, I do.

Chatty Month!

Well I have been chatty this month, I am amazed how much I enjoy talking here. I put up a link showing who follows my blog and a place to subscribe. I have 1 loyal follower, thank you, but it is looking alittle empty so if you are so inclined to, please subscribe so it doesn't look so empty!

I have been trying to keep busy this month, but I really feel yucky physically it's hard. Isn't it interesting what your mind can do to your body? I know my only problem is knowing the 29th can't be avoided, and I still relive that day like it was yesterday. I still have so many questions I will never get answered. Not seeing the kids is getting harder too. I was in Sam's the other day and all the Christmas things are out and looking at the girly and little boy things is very hard, I will always remember how Jeffery and the kids loved Christmas. It was his birthday too, Lauren always was amazed how daddy had the same birthday as Jesus! :) I still have 4 more days so I really need to put this off as long as possible so back to fun stuff!

Yesterday was one of those days and didn't really get anything done, I want to start on some weaving and quilting, but I need to get ahead in some of my fiber prep so I have something to put on my Etsy store. So today I'm taking some pictures.

Here is something I am working on right now, it is a Rambo mix, blended with Silk. unusual colors you say! Yes, it's pretty don't you think?

I am hoping to have atleast 4 oz of this and then I will have some solid fuchsia to do with it. I blended it on my hackle, I just love that thing!

We have been talking on the new list about batts that look so pretty and bright and then when you spin them up they loose the distinction they had before. I have been trying to spin up a sample of everything I do so I know how it looks and post a pic of it. It is surprising sometimes!

I also need to get the dye pot out. I haven't gotten very experimental with that. I need to throw caution to the wind and go for it! Okay, you convinced me, that's what I need to do today! I think I try to do to many colors at a time, maybe just do several wools in several colors. It really isn't much trouble to get set up to do it.

So Hi Ho Hi Ho Off to dye I go! :))

This Month

Well, no pictures today. This is one of the hardest months, other than December which is Jeffery's birthday. I try so hard to keep busy this month, but grief sneaks up on me anyway. We don't talk about it often, it's like you open a damn when you do. I miss Jeffery so much, and his children also. I have drafted a letter to send Jane his wife to ask for pictures of him and the kids. Like so many people, I wasn't very careful with the pictures I had of him and the kids, I lost the most precious ones off one of our computers right after he died. They were of his last Christmas and my email dumped. I am crushed. Then I was getting copies of all the pictures Jane had, and now with no contact I haven't gotten those either. I have been wanting to start a scrapbook for the kids, showing what their daddy was like when he was their age, but every time I start working on it, I am in a teary state for days. I know 2 years sounds like a long time, but it seems like yesterday. I still get this awful hurt in my gut that is so deep at times you wonder if you will live thru it. Then you wonder if you want to. I know I am here for a reason, I know he was here for a reason, I can look at those 4 little kids and see why! I can't wait till we get to see them again.
Well this was a yucky post, but sometimes I just need to write it down and I feel better.

Wow It's Been A Long Time!

So much for keeping up with my blog. It has been a couple of up and down months I guess and feel like if I don't have pics to post I am kinda boring :)
I have been moving my stuff out to my new room, it has been overwhelming, plus I got a space as SAFF and have nothing to go. Seems like everytime I feel like I get on top of it, something happens and I fall behind again. I just don't have excess energy or attitude to pull from anymore. I still feel like I am trying to catch my breath since Jeffery. We are still on the outs with the DIL, I guess as we haven't heard a word. It's been since last November since we saw the grandkids. I miss them so. These last 2 years have been the hardest of my entire life, and Ihave been here 57 years!
I haven't been spinning much, did get 3 new looms, getting them set up this week end. Randy went to Pennsylvania to pick them up, isn't her a sweet husband? One is a Weavers Delight, that is going to be his loom. It is in wonderful condition, the other is a little Lillstina folding loom. She is really cute, I will clean her up and sell her. The last is a Clemente Loom 60" 4 harness with a fly shuttle, this will be my fabric loom, don't have room to set her up yet, she is in the rafters! I will spend a week figuring what to put on them and another warping. I have alot of fleece, need to get that dyed and combed and on my Etsy site. I joined a group for SE Etsy sellers. They seem like a great group and are very active, I am hoping I can participate more in a week or so.
Goats are doing very well, eating like they are suppose to, now they have shown me how much work I have to do cutting down saplings and clearing under the trees! So nice to have them stay in the fencing, they just have such a large area now they really don't want to get out! Although, they have access to the back and side of my building and when I am in there they come and butt the side and rub to let me know they are there. It's startling everyonce in a while!
I feel better now that I have atleast posted, tomorrow I will post some pics of fleece and my room, it's a mess, but almost all my stuff is out there!

Just a time to write

I have been having people looking at my blog. That is so exciting. I am one of those people that really don't like being in public much so I mainly communicate thru the web and this is so exciting to me. I guess I have never really liked the social thing, although when my kids were growing up we were always busy and in the middle of things. Now I am older and I don't have to do that unless I feel like it, and I am so busy with the things I enjoy, I choose to stay home and do them! I also have a great hubby that allows and in encourages me to do so. We you get older I guess they call you eccentric, is that me? I just thought I was different:)

We have had a rough year and 1/2 so my "hiding" at home has been out of necessity for a while now. We lost our oldest son Sept. 29 2006. He was on a walk around his home one evening and was hit by a car. He was only 36 and had 3 young children and one on the way. I can't even begin to tell you how this has changed our families life. Everyone around you life goes on, yours stands still. I am doing better, some days are awful, it helps at times to write about it. People around you get tired of hearing the story over and over so you run our of ears. We are estranged from our DIL so we don't even get to see the grand kids, I don't know what happened there, she just got mad one day. They were Jeffery's life and reason for being, he was such a good dad. I'm thinking the DIL wants to move on and it is easier for her if we(his family) aren't involved. She won't even talk to my daughter and her family. How things change. Someday the kids will be old enough to seek us out on their own, I wonder sometimes what she tells them, I know they ask about us, we only live 2 hours away and I was there atleast once a week. I hope they don't think we don't care, and that daddy's family is just gone.

So now on to funner things! I just ordered some more Knit Picks needles. I just love those things! I got to cables and some tips. I thought about ordering the set, but I have the Denise set and I really never use the bigger needles so I thought I would just pick and choose.

We have finally had some rain! Our lake out front got so low and now it looks like a lake! The creek is running, sounds so pretty, but boy do we have some clearing to do! I'm still playing around with the idea of a couple of sheep. But I'm not sure I really want the responsibility of taking care of them everyday. It may be better to just purchase fleece at the White Barn Farm. :))

I have decided I want to try Fair Isle knitting, I saw the cutest Tam my daughter, lives in Milwaukee, would get so much use from.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9101466

Isn't this beautiful? Now if she would develop a pattern for a pair of gloves to match! Hint Hint.

I think I will dye some yarns today for this project. I was thinking that I would have way to much yarn now that I spin, but it is turning out that I am always in need for more more more!

Now to go find more projects!