So today I went to see the Dr about the leg again, it is much better. But I am having a reaction to the Tetanus shot! My whole arm and shoulder is swollen and soooo sore, red and hot! She said I probably wouldn't be getting one of these anytime soon again! I remembered when I was a teenager, way back then, that I got really sick from a tetanus shot. But my leg looked so bad, I figured, it had been a long time ago and I probably was just being a baby. Well, now I remember!! Boy for being fairly healthy, this has been the pitts.
Today, I am going to give spinning a go again. I really want to finish the sock yarn on the Mach 1. I need to give her a name. Names really aren't my thing. Maybe wheel 1 and wheel 2?
Atleast now, we won't have to watch any more politics for a while!! Even though I am very disappointed at the out come, I am grateful for that!
I also need to get my room empty and ready to move. Get the trailer that hubby is staying in cleaned for him this week end, and start packing stuff up. I had an interesting question posted to me today and it made me stop and think. What are you worried about, anxiety over change? I have never really been a person to not roll with the flow. I haven't been controlling, or up tight. So when did this all change? Then it hit me. I got so scared when I couldn't do anything for Jeffery. The whole world changed in a split second for ever. Not just my world, the future of his wife and children, his sister, his dad, mine, everyone who knew him. I now feel scared because I now know, I really don't know what will happen, that I can do anything about it, or what is coming. Now it's not like I didn't know it before! I know who is in control. It is just so easy to say you "know" but then to let him do that! I feel like I am hanging on to something for dear life afraid to let go. I'm not quite sure what it is. It feels like change is my enemy and is very frightening. Now in my mind, I can work thru it, but in my heart and gut, the anxiety is over whelming. I haven't really spent much time trying to work my way thru our loss. I don't think you can, and just getting thru each day is such a exhausting job allot of the time, I feel encouraged to be able to do that. But I guess I also need to get back on track some what to my old self. I have turned off most all feelings except grief, fear and anxiety. But I can put on a happy face! I don't think that is unusual under these types of events, it is very hard to give yourself permission to feel anything else. I also had another mother tell me she got angry when people said they were sorry for her loss. She didn't feel that they understood. She's right. It's a different kind of anger I think. For me it's "why me" " what are you sorry about you have your son" " sorry doesn't even begin to touch it" I could go on and on but you get the point. People are very uncomfortable being around people after they have lost a child, they don't like you to talk about them, how you are feeling and how bad you hurt. They say silly things like "You'll get thru this" or " it'll be okay" "be thankful you have grandchildren" I know they try. Sometimes you just can't say any thing. It's been 2 years for me, and I have stopped crying everyday. I get that hole in my gut several times a day instead of all day. I can get a smile on my face once in a great while when I think of him instead of just tears. I can remind myself I can still enjoy life from time to time. But I hadn't realized I was carrying that fear with me on a daily basis. Thanks Michelle, if you hadn't posed that question, I may not have taken the time to think about it :) So I am going to approach this move as a new adventure. Work harder to have more good days that hard ones, more good thoughts than sad ones, more calm days than anxious ones, and most important, more faith and trust in him that put me here and loved me enough to give his son for me.
Firsts and Lasts
4 hours ago