Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Leg on the Mend!

So today I went to see the Dr about the leg again, it is much better. But I am having a reaction to the Tetanus shot! My whole arm and shoulder is swollen and soooo sore, red and hot! She said I probably wouldn't be getting one of these anytime soon again! I remembered when I was a teenager, way back then, that I got really sick from a tetanus shot. But my leg looked so bad, I figured, it had been a long time ago and I probably was just being a baby. Well, now I remember!! Boy for being fairly healthy, this has been the pitts.
Today, I am going to give spinning a go again. I really want to finish the sock yarn on the Mach 1. I need to give her a name. Names really aren't my thing. Maybe wheel 1 and wheel 2?
Atleast now, we won't have to watch any more politics for a while!! Even though I am very disappointed at the out come, I am grateful for that!
I also need to get my room empty and ready to move. Get the trailer that hubby is staying in cleaned for him this week end, and start packing stuff up. I had an interesting question posted to me today and it made me stop and think. What are you worried about, anxiety over change? I have never really been a person to not roll with the flow. I haven't been controlling, or up tight. So when did this all change? Then it hit me. I got so scared when I couldn't do anything for Jeffery. The whole world changed in a split second for ever. Not just my world, the future of his wife and children, his sister, his dad, mine, everyone who knew him. I now feel scared because I now know, I really don't know what will happen, that I can do anything about it, or what is coming. Now it's not like I didn't know it before! I know who is in control. It is just so easy to say you "know" but then to let him do that! I feel like I am hanging on to something for dear life afraid to let go. I'm not quite sure what it is. It feels like change is my enemy and is very frightening. Now in my mind, I can work thru it, but in my heart and gut, the anxiety is over whelming. I haven't really spent much time trying to work my way thru our loss. I don't think you can, and just getting thru each day is such a exhausting job allot of the time, I feel encouraged to be able to do that. But I guess I also need to get back on track some what to my old self. I have turned off most all feelings except grief, fear and anxiety. But I can put on a happy face! I don't think that is unusual under these types of events, it is very hard to give yourself permission to feel anything else. I also had another mother tell me she got angry when people said they were sorry for her loss. She didn't feel that they understood. She's right. It's a different kind of anger I think. For me it's "why me" " what are you sorry about you have your son" " sorry doesn't even begin to touch it" I could go on and on but you get the point. People are very uncomfortable being around people after they have lost a child, they don't like you to talk about them, how you are feeling and how bad you hurt. They say silly things like "You'll get thru this" or " it'll be okay" "be thankful you have grandchildren" I know they try. Sometimes you just can't say any thing. It's been 2 years for me, and I have stopped crying everyday. I get that hole in my gut several times a day instead of all day. I can get a smile on my face once in a great while when I think of him instead of just tears. I can remind myself I can still enjoy life from time to time. But I hadn't realized I was carrying that fear with me on a daily basis. Thanks Michelle, if you hadn't posed that question, I may not have taken the time to think about it :) So I am going to approach this move as a new adventure. Work harder to have more good days that hard ones, more good thoughts than sad ones, more calm days than anxious ones, and most important, more faith and trust in him that put me here and loved me enough to give his son for me.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Twists and Turns in Life

Well it's been a long month for me, and this will probably be a long post. First my bite, as you all said and I wouldn't listen, see I'm not even giving you a chance to say I told you so, I went to the Dr and it has gotten infected. It had started healing so nicely, but there is one spot where Pennys tooth went in so far, it just wouldn't heal up quick enough and has in fact pretty yucky. So I am on meds and go to see her again tomorrow. It doesn't really hurt, it just looks bad.

For the last month we have had some difficult decisions to make. When we moved here to help our son in his business, we had pretty much lost every thing for our retirement in a business we had of our own. I won't go into great detail, but had been in business a long time. We depended on insurance payments as we were in restoration, after the Cedar fire, we lived in that area of CA. we got overwhelmed with jobs, there came the big hurricane in Florida and all the ins. companies moved down there and stopped making payments to businesses in Ca. Therefore, we did all the work and ended up having to wait for well over a year for payments! Alot they never paid at all! After a hard look at what we wanted and where we were headed, we decided to close. Weren't left with much, but did manage to pay off almost all bills the business had incurred.
We moved to Tucson, love Tuscon, and hubby went back into Commercial truck sales. He had been a Manager for years and is quite good at it. Having always being around the kids and grand kids, when Jeffery called up and asked us to come out to SC to help him, and he was calling his sister to come too, we were excited. So up we went and out to SC. It was great, both kids and all the grand kids were close and we could retire here.

Well Jeffery was killed, Jane turned horrible, we paid to close up our end of his business, can't see the grand kids, Heather my daughter has moved back the Wisconsin and here we sit. Hubby has gone back into the truck business and things have gotten very tight since the economy has taken a dive and actually even before that, here in SC. He has gotten an offer to move to NC and take a position with one of the largest dealers on the east coast, which means lots of inventory,financing ect. He is very good at what he does they even have offered to pay moving expenses which is very helpful. I am just so tired of moving! We had lived in the same place for over 10 years in Ca. and seems like we have been on the move ever since and it is driving me crazy! Before Ca. after the kids left home, we raised thm in Oregon, we sold our home and purchased a 5th wheel and traveled for 10 years. It was great but at the end of the 10 we were both ready to put the roots back down and stay put. Both the kids married and moved to Ca. and we were able to enjoy both of their families. It really was so nice to enjoy them as adults, neither of them were easy to raise! Both were older when they got married, 28 for Jeffery and 31 for Heather. After the business failed, kids scattered, we scattered and that was that.
So now we are faced with another move, guess not always a bad thing. We have been trying to "listen" to what God has in store for us and sometimes I sure wish he would talk louder. We have found a place in NC, with 2 acres, we can take the goats, dogs ect. It has a older mobile home on it we can move to the lower area and I can set it up as a studio. It will be great when all is said and done, but until then I have a tendency to worry, my hubby says, so it is very stressful.. SC hasn't been a very good place for us and I thought I would be looking forward to getting out of here, which I am in a lot of ways, but it feels odd to know I am leaving Jeffery here and that chapter of my life will be over. It is like it is the final act to making me realize he is really gone. At the same time, it is also a new beginning and as far as Jeffery is concerned, I have no choice there.
So, I have very mixed feelings, hubby is up in NC and coming home on week ends till we get everything handled, so I have even more time to worry :(
I will say that having a blog is cheaper than a therapist! Fiber cheaper than pills :) So I know I will be okay, I seem to remember when I was young, I thought life would get easier as I got older. Wrong!