So I've been thinking, I find since I have been blogging I actually spend more time thinking :) Why is it that I start thinking about what I am thankful for the week of Thanksgiving? It's not that I don't thank the Lord everyday for the things he does for me , it's just that I don't take the time to think about the big things. So today I have been thinking, if I had to narrow it down to one thing that I am overwhelmingly thankful for what would it be? I think that this year it is that I am slowly moving on
thru my grief of Jeffery. I have had a problem with the idea "
moving on". It has felt like
everytime I let myself think that, I was leaving behind Jeffery. I am now starting to realize that moving on is now taking on a new meaning for me. I am accepting that he isn't here anymore, I have my memories and he will always be in my heart. What I am moving on from isn't Jeffery, it is my grief. Believe me when I say, that is a good thing. What a relief it is to have that horrible cloud only over me once in a while. Not to feel the hole in my gut when I think of him, but to get a smile. To be able to forget, even for a moment the loss I have had. To get excited about my life and not feel that guilt. To go to sleep at night and not have the tears as I say good night to him. To have my husband look at me and not see the sadness in my eyes most of the time. To really realize that he is much happier than I at this time and not begrudge him that. To not look at the chair in the living room he always sat in and start to cry, but have a smile as his legs were so long he looked funny in the other ones ;) To forgive his wife for being so hurtful, instead of letting my grief turn to hatred towards her. To realize there is a little pocket in my mind I can put my grief and have more of a choice when I take it out when I feel the need. To be able to listen to another mom that has experience the same loss and let her have her grief instead of turning it into mine. I am beginning to realize that although grief is something I will never get rid of, I
can not let it consume me, I have that choice. It has never felt like a choice, it has felt like a sentence. There is life after death, in more than the way I have always thought.
Thru Jeffery's death I have found God has shown me a special purpose in my life. I don't know if I would have found it otherwise. Everyone has a special purpose, maybe that was God's plan. I can certainly question that plan, and not like it and will never understand it. I have to trust in him that it is the best plan. So I will make use of the purpose he has shown me, as it would be a huge disservice to Jeffery to not. So I am thankful this year in a sorrowful way, but thankful none the less for the way God has shown me I can get
thru this with his love and help. That he has put a new challenge in front of me that I will pursue with his help and guidance to the best of my ability. Pray that he will continue to give me the courage and strength to live the rest of
my life as a example to other people who have experienced the type of loss I have experienced, that with his help, you can get
thru anything he puts in front of you.
So last but not least! I want to thank all of you, for all the hours of enjoyment, the support, all the learning and sharing I have gotten from everyone that has posted on my blog, let me participate on the lists and become my "
puter friends".
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!!
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